Festive Fun
A series of satirical sketches to mark the turning of the year. Enjoy. Or don’t.
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Man completes all New Year’s resolutions
A man has made history by becoming the first person ever to actually follow through on their New Year’s resolutions.
The man, who lost weight, learned to cook, wrote a book, and became fluent in Spanish, said the secret of his success was making time efficiency his first resolution.
“It was all very simple,” Smuggy McSmugson said. “All I had to do was sleep one hour a night, never see my friends or family, spend all my money, not go to work, and – hey presto – I found I could manage all of my resolutions.”
“I simply don’t understand why more people don’t meet such very achievable goals,” McSmugson added, while simultaneously playing his guitar, brewing his own beer and cultivating his vegetable garden.
McSmugson, now a world expert on budgeting, mindfulness, painting, sleep science, alcohol dependence, novels, yoga, coding, community activism, public speaking, and domestic minimalism, has been inducted into the Guinness book of World Records, right next to the guy with the most-ever piercings on his face.
McSmugson has been documenting his journey on his personal development blog, ‘Enrich Your Life in Just 8,213 Simple Steps’.
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The Apprentice: Season 17 – Draft Script
[Drone shots of the City. Gherkin, Walkie Talkie, other clichéd landmarks.]
Narrator: Welcome to the new series of The Apprentice. This time, the contestants face their toughest challenge yet: getting Lords to actually show up to the House of Lords.
[Black Rod bangs on Lord Sugar’s office door. Dramatic music plays. Drone zooms in on ornate but crumbling ruin that vaguely resembles the Upper Chamber]
Lord Sugar: I’m very interested in this task. So much so, I even put it on my register. Have you decided on a team name?
Nominated spokesperson for gormless contestant pool: Team Expenses
Lord Sugar: Now, what do we know about our target market?
Team Expenses: They’re highly educated, highly talented and well respected.
[B-roll shows multiple members of the target market asleep on benches.]
Lord Sugar: And have you thought about a price point?
Team Expenses: We were thinking that we could get away with £323 a day in the current climate.
[Lord Sugar fires entire Team Expenses for failure to demonstrate remotest knowledge of Lords' motivations]
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That New Year’s Honours List in Full
Big Jet TV guy
My Blobby
Jeff Bezos
The guy who just missed Prince Charles with an egg
Kwasi Kwarteng
The ghost of Christmas past
Elon Musk’s lawyers
Wellerman
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New Year Resolutions From Your Favourite City leaders
Sam Bankman-Fried: In 2023, I’d like to spend less time with my family and former friends.
David Solomon: If the job cuts go to plan, I might be able to pursue my true dream – performing on the pyramid stage at Glastonbury.
Do Kwon: I want to take the time to find myself, because no-one else seems to be able to.
Jim Cramer: Having got approximately 0% of my calls right this year, I feel like all I need is a bit more conviction over the next 12 months.
Chamath Palihapitiya: I have sponsored a blank cheque resolution company which will look for viable resolution candidates until new year’s 2024.
Liz Truss: I’d like to grow as a person, and as an economy.
Cathie Wood: All anyone needs in the new year is all the latest gadgets. Maybe if we all just had a little bit more faith in the power of gadgets to change the world, the quality of gadget-related investments would actually improve.
Stuart Kirk: I’m dreaming of a green Christmas. But not too green, you understand.
Elon Musk: Thank you for the opportunity to express my views on New Year’s resolutions. Previously, content moderation algorithms unfairly limited the free speech of certain New Year’s resolution makers, but now Twitter has truly become a public square…[continues for 87 paragraphs].
Ray Dalio: I reckon if I’m a really good boy, Santa can get my book into every American’s stocking next year.
Cliff Asness: All investors need to do is show a bit more metal next year. If the LME would let them, that is.
Rishi Sunak: We’ll be launching our flagship hedge fund training courses for the homeless; hedge out to help out
Bill Browder: I’m delighted to say that my FKremlin ETF will launch early in the New Year, and my resolution is to make it my best-performing vehicle yet.
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Pop supremo Shaggy releases romantic tell-all
After the roaring success of Matt Hancock’s Pandemic Diaries: The inside story of Britain’s battle against Covid, 90’s pop sensation Shaggy returns to defend his good name with a new book: Romantic diaries: The inside story of my battle against cheating.
In the explosive memoir, Shaggy meticulously details how it was, in fact, not him, and that he had strongly advised against sleeping with the girl next door from day one.
Allegations that he was caught red handed were actually disseminated by musical rivals jealous of his success, his bombshell account reveals.
Far from banging on the bathroom floor, Shaggy and his neighbour – a well-paid aid and former university colleague of the reggae superstar – were merely sanitising the area as per government guidance.
Shaggy will prove how he got all the big calls right on infidelity, and how alleged sexual activity on the counter, sofa, and shower respectively was conducted only after thorough discussion with scientific experts.
The marks on Shaggy’s shoulder, contemporaneous records show, came from a vigorous fight with those calling for him to pursue a policy of herd sexual immunity, and not from that thing we all saw on CCTV.
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Find the hay in the haystack game
Instead of rolling around in the hay, why not put your partner’s wits to the test this Christmas? Bleedin' Obvious Inc. proudly presents our latest play piece, where you can search for hay in a giant ball of hay.
Other products in our range include find the rodent in the House of Commons plumbing, and find the crypto fraud in the crypto exchange.
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Exclusive share offer: At The Time of Writing Ltd
This Christmas treat your loved one to the gift of financial stability! Shares in At The Time of Writing Plc, owners of the copyright to the phrase “at the time of writing”, soared last year amid political instability, one of 2022’s best performers alongside Polycrisis Plc and Permacrisis Mutual.
Alternatively, after the LDI pensions saga, why not put a few pennies away into a retirement fund your betrothed will almost certainly never receive?